Selected Articles
FUN AND GAMES IN STEPFAMILY THERAPY
By Jamie Keshet, Ed.D.*
STEPFAMILIES, Spring 1995
The Value of Games
I often use games in my therapy with stepfamilies to open areas of communication. By playing with a family I let the children know that the grown-ups are willing to meet them on their own territory. I understand their need to play and have fun, not be interrogated and lectured endlessly. The games I use most often give family members a chance to communicate with each other simply and directly, in front of a neutral witness. I am available to monitor their responses, protect them from teasing or criticism and to make sure that the shy members have as many turns to speak as the brash ones.
My favorite game, the Dice Game described below, focuses on family members telling each other what they like about each other. Sometimes stepfamily members find it harder to say these "corny" things than to be critical because closeness is more difficult to tolerate than anger. Sharing the positive comments in a game with a therapist helps family members feel safer. Because it's "only a game," people can maintain some distance from their comments. A tough 10-year-old might never thank his stepfather for helping him with homework in "real life," but in a game he's required to come up with something.
Remember, stepfamilies often start with members feeling disjointed - not a "real family." So by acting, in a game, as if they can talk to each other, they actually become more solid as a family unit. Each person's self-esteem is reinforced by hearing what others have to say. Hearing that they are appreciated increases people's capacity to endure the difficult times later.
The Dice Game
In this game each family member picks a number or numbers from one to six (for small group) or 2 to 12 for large group. All the numbers are assigned. The youngest child gets to pick first and the others follow in order. Although they don't know what the game is, children and adults are generally very thoughtful about what numbers they choose.
Round One
Each member (usually again starting with one of the children) rolls the dice or die. She then says something she likes about that person. I encourage people to say something about the way the person behaves (i.e. he is kind; she helps me with my homework; he makes me laugh). In some families, the first time, all they can say is "I like your hair," or "I like your shirt," and those responses are accepted. If a person rolls his own number he is required to say something good about himself. Some people find this the hardest task. Others are very clear about their good points.
Rounds Two and Three
I use the same procedure but have each person say something that is annoying about the other person, "not the biggest problem in your family, and not ‘I hate you"' but something specific that you find not too great. I also have a round where family members ask each other questions instead of making statements. This is particularly useful where stepparents and stepchildren don't have a shared history with each other. One 12-year-old wanted to know if her stepmother ever dated anyone before she met her father, a wonderfully age appropriate question that might be embarrassing to ask at home. The stepmother was glad to answer. In many families we stick with the compliments because the family is not ready to handle the negativity which might come up with the "annoying qualities."
I intervene in several ways. One is to support some of the statements. ‘He sure is generous. Remember that bike you got for your birthday." Another is to encourage people to come up with more meaningful statements if I think they can. If, as it sometimes happens, one person's number has not come up, I may suggest that someone compliment that person. Sometimes I suggest that someone roll again until they get the number of someone they haven't had before. Each time I play this game with families or parts of families, I am amazed at the drama of the event. The beauty of rolling the dice is that it adds an element of suspense - "Who will I get?" or "Who will get me?" People give very thoughtful answers and are often surprised at the nice things that others say about them.
Talking, Feeling, Doing Game
This is a commercial therapy game developed by John Gardner (1973, Creative Therapeutics, Cresskill, NJ). I like it better than the games I have seen which are geared to divorce or remarriage because it is more general and can pick up on issues which are developmental or peer-related. Also, it is silly as well as serious, which makes the game more fun. And there is a winner, so the competitive family members have motivation to keep going. In this game players choose a talking, feeling or doing card according to the color of the space they land on when they roll the dice and move their markers. Each card asks the player to answer a question, make a statement, act out a situation, or do something like stand on one foot for 30 seconds.
I always allow people to pass if they don't want to do what is requested. However, a pass earns no chips so people who want to win are more likely to try to answer. The hypothetical and impersonal nature of some of the cards makes them a ripe target for projection, for example: "A Girl hears her parents talking in their room with the door closed. What are they saying?" I use this game with children by themselves, with siblings and with parts of or whole families. In family work I find the game useful to assess whether parents/stepparents can come up with answers which are useful to the children rather than themselves. One stepfather, for example, answered the question in the last paragraph by saying, "The stepfather is telling the mother that he has to learn not to lose his temper with his stepdaughter."
The way in which the adults respond to the children's answers is also revealing and gives me information for working with them later. One mother was so intent on not losing the game that she hardly noticed what her daughter was saying. One very intense seven-year-old who was not accustomed to talking about his feelings liked playing this game so much when his mother brought him that he insisted on having his father and stepfather each accompany him to counseling specifically to play with them.
Mad Magazine Game
This is a commercial game available in toy stores fashioned after Mad Magazine (c 1988, Parker Brothers, Beverly, MA). The goal of this game is to lose all your money, not get richer, It has very unusual directions, such as "everyone moves one seat to the left," leaving the money in place. Winning and losing in this game is unpredictable and it is a good measure of flexibility in a family. It also appeals to oppositional young clients.
Summary
Playing in the office can open up areas of communication and discussion, both within therapy sessions and at home. It allows children and adults to interact as equals, to laugh, to express themselves and, in doing so, to strengthen family ties.
* Jamie Keshet, Ed.D., is a psychologist at Riverside Counseling Center in Newton, MA. She is the author of Love and Power in the Stepfamily: A Practical Guide