Articles

A NEW JOURNEY TO INTIMACY
By Deanna and Robert McMain *
STEPFAMILIES, Spring 1995

We are a remarried couple. We have six children between us, all from our first marriages. The first few years of remarriage were tough and sorely tested our love and commitment. During our second year of marriage one child continued to experience a troubled adolescence, another was deafened by meningitis, and Bob completed his doctoral dissertation. Many factors contributed to our remaining happily together, including caring friends, a good sex life, and mutual love and respect.

Perhaps you are also remarried. Undoubtedly you know people who are. Seventy-five to eighty percent of divorced persons under age 45 remarry. Second marriages are more complicated than first ones, but the partners also have greater age, life experience, and perspective going for them. Focusing on the following five areas can help to ensure a successful second marriage:

1. Complications of second marriages include a longer list of characters being brought into the marriage, especially if children were born into the first marriage. Friendships may be of longer duration, and children bring continued relationships with the other parent and grandparents. There are routines that each spouse developed with a former mate. Not only do we expect to follow these routines again but we expect the new spouse to know and follow. Deanna remembers having very naive expectations of Bob about his child-rearing practices. She just assumed that his expectations of the children would be the same as hers. Of course they weren't, and at that stage of the marriage we didn't know how to talk constructively about those differences. On one hand, Bob was defensive, and on the other Deanna probably used her skills of communicating in the "style with a sting," a style which does not engender trust and openness. Thankfully, marriage enrichment provided us with more effective communication tools to help resolve this problem.

2. Completing unfinished business from the first marriage is essential to the success of a new marriage. Whether the first marriage ended in divorce or the death of a spouse, it is most useful to tie up the loose ends of that relationship. This will increase your odds of avoiding the same mistakes. As Richard Stuart and Barbara Jacobson stated in their book SECOND MARRIAGE, "You can't offer your present partner a fair deal if you haven't come to terms with your past." It's worth the work to gain an understanding of and accept personal responsibility for your part in he problems of the first marriage. Remember, both partners contributed to both the bad and the good in the marriage. Stuart and Jacobson suggest writing a short history of the former relationship, perhaps including initial attractions, your decision to marry, how each contributed to making the marriage work, what you contributed to its failures, what you still feel angry about and how you might have contributed to the situation, what you still feel guilty about and what your partner might have contributed to that situation, and what the experience of marriage taught you about yourself that increases your chances of success in your next marriage. Acknowledging that changes in our own behavior might have altered the outcome of our first marriage increases our chances of making a more successful second marriage.

3. Hidden Expectations occur when we don't take time to examine and discuss what we expect in our marriages. That's how we set ourselves up for disappointment and anger. Chances are, you expected your partner to continue to act in marriage the same way she or he did during courtship. You took this as an implicit promise, an unspoken contract. However, such expectations may be false and should be discussed. When we remain unaware of these ‘contracts," they have immense power. Think about what you expected when you married your present partner. Did you get what you bargained for? Talk with your spouse about what each of you thought you would get when you married the other. Consider the earning and spending of money, division of household labor, child responsibilities, the role of religion in your life, sexual expression, fidelity, professional development, personal health, use of alcohol/drugs, role of friendships, and use of free time. Use your communication skills and perhaps a marriage support group as you go through this process. This is an excellent way of strengthening your marriage!

4. Consolidation and commitment in remarriage can best occur when the emotional divorce from the previous spouse is complete. Only then is one ready for a full commitment to the new marriage. Are you truly with your partner? Consider deeply your heart's decision. Consider writing your commitment in contract form, specifying in detail what committing yourself means to you. Perhaps you would like to examine whether or not you had committed yourself to the first marriage. Then decide to have a committed relationship with you present spouse. After all, as Hugh and Gayle Prather in A BOOK FOR COUPLES wrote, "If you have not yet committed, you have not yet had a relationship," so you do not yet know the potential that lies within your marriage. Miss no opportunities to show kindness to your spouse, to contribute to his or her happiness, to show where your priorities lie.

5. The best way to make a marriage both rewarding and stable is through intimacy. When we've been hurt, it's more difficult to allow ourselves to be vulnerable again. But the rewards of being fully known and fully loved are greater than we've possibly ever known before. Spend time together, while at the same time respecting each other's need for space. Learn to understand what the other needs to feel valued and appreciated, and give those things. Develop shared goals and projects to give your relationship some continuity. Make yourself vulnerable by sharing your thoughts and feelings and listening to those of your partner. Spend time with other couples who have loving, respectful relationships: this will help you to nurture your own. One way to do this is to attend marriage enrichment retreats and join a support group. It works!

* Deanna is a Psychological Assistant with Dr. Allen Hedberg and Associates, Bob is Professor of Social Work at CSU, Fresno, and a licensed clinical social worker. They make their home in Fresno, California. Reprinted by permission from Marriage Enrichment, August, 1990, a publication of the Association for Couples in Marriage Enrichment, Winston-Salem, N.C., 800-634-8325.